Thoughts of a Deep Thinker by Realigion

Lately I've been asking myself if I'm truly capable of allowing myself to open up,  love and to be loved. I've unknowingly built a wall that block's out any and everyone from getting too close to me. Parts of me have grown cold in a sense.The thought of trusting outside my circle have become obsolete.  I hold on stronger to the loved ones whom have already prove to be loyal, genuine and thorough. In this life, you will meet  tons of people who want to be apart of your world but everyone isn't built to handle someone of your caliber. Over the past few months, I decided to pay full attention to myself and what type of person I am. We go years, months and sundays  trying to understand others when we don't even truly know ourselves. What I've discovered about me is: I am very loving and caring. I am loner. I am forgiving and loyal yet if I sense characteristics of dishoner, evilness, jealously and fraudulence; I will cut a person off without  warning without ever having intentions off looking back. I don't think that's good but I'm a work in progress. I have become very disciplined and reserved. My faith in God is at all an time high, he is the one person I can trust to keep my head above water, to keep me grounded and make me feel whole.  I have trained my mind to think at a higher level, to see the good in every situation yet my heart has a mind of its own "Handle with Care" is what is speaks because once abused, stepped on or broken; trying to fix won't be an option. ~Realigion~

If Only for One Night by Realigion

I can still hear my grandmother's voice saying "Fix me a cup of coffee sista, I still have a long way to go" she would explain referring to cooking our Christmas dinner. She would cook enough turkey and dressing for an entire army on Christmas Eve. I'd stand watching as she used her bare hands to break down the cornbread. My Aunt Keisha would be mixing up the cream cheese for what taste like the best cheesecake ever made. The house would be filled with all six of us grand kids who lived there since the death or incarceration of our parents., most of her sons and two daughters, her favorite sister, my Aunt Katherine and some of her grandchildren. Katherine's oldest grandchild Nicole was my age therefore we were inseparable. We were favorite cousins and soon called each other sisters.  We shared everything: secrets, dreams, stories etc. We even pretended to cut our fingers yet used ketchup as blood, rubbed our fingers together, taste it and became blood sisters.  All we did was talk while the other kids played. Nicole was such a good listener, she even believed everything I told her. Once I told  her a cat talked to me and she believed it lol.
None of us kids could sleep, afraid we'd miss Christmas if we so much as dosed off, unaware that all we had to do was go to bed and wake up to Christmas Day lol.
Silent Night by the Temptation's would be flowing thru the speakers setting the tone. I was a very observant child. I would observe how special my grandmother and Aunt Katherine would try to make Christmas Day for us. The tree would be loaded with gifts. Cakes and Pies of all kinds covered the dining room table. Everyone was  happy. No fussing, No fighting; my grandmother wouldn't allow any one to disrespect her house with all the drama. She was the only one allowed to raise hell :). I miss those days. My family is so distant since my grandmother passed. Some of her son's are now in prison with long sentence's, hell I even did time.My grandmother  was our rock, she held us together. She reminded us constantly that we were all we had. I miss her. There is a void in a my life. A part of me has grown cold without that real solid love. She loved us unconditionally, even though we were orphans, (myself and the other grand kids) she never made us feel as though we were a burden. We were hers and she was ours. I wish she could hold me one more time.

Breathe Again

There comes a time in every girls life when change is inevitable and since I've been fuckin up since the age of seventeen I figure the game just aint the same. They say a diamond is a girls best friend but let me ask you something, who the fuck are they? We live our lives based on what they say about this, what they say about that; today I say fuck they, their opinions , antidotes and whatever else THEY have to say.
Let me introduce myself, I'm Radona one of Houston elite bad bitches, yeah I'm sure you've guessed it I'm  a certified rude girl with the heart and ambition of Texans player.
I'm tired of Hustlin on the streets of H-town and lookin for love in every d-boy's wallet. So if you're one of those Chanta's got a man ass bitches delete me  cause I'm A Bitter Bitch About to breathe again. 

My First Poem Radona’s Regret written 2008

                      

                               

From the moment Radona gave birth she was mesmerized by Madison’s eyes

When the Correctional Officer told her she’d only be with her baby two hours, her smiles turned into cries

The first of three children that wouldn’t be raised by her, their mother

She prayed they’d always remember how much she love’em

Addicted to the fast life and it cost her her freedom

Three beautiful girls without their mother to lead them

One in particular had her worried of rejection

Two years into Maddy’s life and still no Radona Affection

What kind of mother chooses a life of crime over their kids?

Wait a minute Radona thought “Oh yeah, I did”

As the days go by and the years continue to grow,

She can’t help but wonder if they won’t love her anymore

An epitome of a broken home is what they’ve became

Thanks to stupidity, a hard head, and addiction to the game

But after this bid, it’s a wrap, time to make things right

You can do it Radona, with God’s help and motivational insight

When it all boils down, it’s not about me
it’s about Jada, Mariah and Fatty girl Maddy. 

Deception Served Sweet

                                              "Deception Served Sweet" 

                                                              Prologue 

                                                      December 18, 1993

   "Aye man what's taking so long" Tedrick mouthed from the front seat. D Nice sat in the back seat slowly puffing on a blunt as his mind thought back to three day's earlier when he'd visited his momma's house. She was so happy to see her baby boy helping with the Christmas lights. D Nice had hung Christmas lights all around the window seal. Faye just stared at her boy smiling. She didn't quit understand how he'd made such a tragic turn in life. Within months he'd gone from star football player at his high school to a teenager she hardly even knew, yet and still she considered him her baby. "Damarcus", Faye called out getting her son's attention. "Ma'am" he replied stepping away from the window admiring his work. That boy still got skills he laughed to himself 

 "You doing ok, you aint getting in no trouble huh?"

"Naw mama, I ain't doin nothin", he assurred her with a grin exposing his famous dimples. He threw his arm's around her shoulders "Stop worrying old lady, I'm good".....

  "D Nice" Tedrick called out again interrupting D's thoughts

"What nigga!" D Nice yelled back passing the blunt back to Tedrick

"Rashard just paged me 007,  we should go inside in bout two minutes"

D Nice looked around the small parking lot. No other cars other than the employee's were there. He then slide the ski mask on over his head. 

"Lets go" D said to Tedrick .

 Tedrick replied back with a nod of the head both the boys quickly jumped from the car gun in hand, dressed in black dickie suits and gangsta Nikes. Ski mask covered there faces as they ran into the Pawn Shop with pistols drawn. D Nice went to the left while Tedrick went to the right. The first person they noticed was the nigga who set the lick up "Rashard" who also worked for the Pawn Shop. D Nice placed the gun to Rashard's temple. "Open these cases and load up all this mutherfucken jewelry nicca" D Nice quickly pulled a bag from his back pocket, throwing it at Rashard.  Tedrick to his right snatched the owner up, an old white man by the collar of his shirt throwing him against the wall. "Face the wall and keep ya hands up"

"Please don't hurt me, why are you doing this, I have a family" the man cried

"I feel that but I gotta family too and we tryna eat now shut up bitch nigga and keep ya nose on that wall"

Tedrick then glanced over at D Nice and Rashard who was slowly placing the jewelry in the bag and instantly got mad. 

"Fuck you doing man, Hurry Up and put that shit in the bag for I pop ya ass" Tedrick yelled before turning back around to watch the owner. D Nice heart was thumping heavily as he starred at Rashard. Feeling his pager vibrate, he instinctively looked down; before he could look back up he heard a loud pop before feeling a burning sensation in the side of his neck. Gasping for breath he looked over at Rashard who was now blasting at Tedrick and landed two shots to the chest. Tedrick fell to the floor. D Nice held his neck while falling down on his knees. He heard his mama's voice "Damarcus come here boy, Damarcus mama love you, please stay out of trouble". D Nice's eyes rolled slowly to the back of his head before shutting his eyes for good. 

                                                    

                              

Hood Barbie

                                                        Hood Barbie

When I was a little girl I loved my barbie doll. I even admired her in a sense. She had the perfect life. A beautiful dream house, a corvette, a career as fashion designer and a handsome husband named Ken. I grew up believing my life would end up just like hers. Yeah fuckin right!! What Mattel doesn't tell you on the back of the box is, it doesn't happen like that for us good girls gone bad. What happen to the Hood Barbie. Those who aren't called Barbie but are referred to as "B". She doesn't have a  career yet, but if she continues to keep her mind focused on college so she can finish she will have one sooner or later. She doesn't have a 9 to 5 but wakes up every morning on a mission to feed her children by any means necessary. She doesn't even have a dream house but  is looking for a hook up on getting her credit fixed so she can try an buy a home once she graduates and starts working.. She doesn't drive a corvette but does drive exotic rental cars when her Chrysler is giving her problems. And she definitely doesn't have a husband named Ken but does have a sexy baby daddy named Kendrick who is to busy being a fuck boy  to settle down and make their relationship work. Yeah Mattel the company who made Barbie has some real live explaining to do for the other side of the tracks!

When I shut these eyes..A Grandmother's Cry

 I'll never forget my Grandmother's words. "When I shut these eyes, ya'll gone miss me. I heard that throughout my childhood yet I never fully understood the concept. I think I kind of just blew if off never wanting to even imagine her not being around. My grandmother was sort of like my hero. She did everything she could to protect me from pain. Mentally, Physically, Emotionally; she use to tell me "I wanna know if your big toe hurt's you lol. I remember when my mother died. I was only twelve at the time. I had just gotten off the school bus and could see people everywhere standing near my grandmother's house. I thought maybe there's was another family gathering going on.  As I walked  thru the crowd trying to get inside the house, I was constantly being patted on the back yet I was naive to what was going on. I had no clue; that is, until I walked into my grandmother's room and looked into her eyes. I saw hurt and pain and suddenly wasn't so sure about all the people just hanging around for the typical meet. My grandmother put both hands on my shoulder and said "Remember when I told you if your momma left, she would be with God", I shook my head yes. She continued "Your momma left today".  The feeling was surreal. I immediately knew exactly what my grandma meant by "left", I knew it wasn't something temporary like the times she'd been in and out of the hospital, but left as in gone, no coming back. A big chunk of me died  that day. I knew my life would never be the same. In the same sense looking into my grandmother's eyes, I was assured that I lost her but I hadn't lose everyone. She was such a strong women, I can't even imagine the pain she must have felt to lose a child. I had known my mother for twelve years yet she had known her thirty. This was someone who came from her flesh and still she held it together. I could write a whole book on the strength  this woman had but today I'll focus on her words "When I shut these eyes" See I never believed that day would come for some reason, I thought God placed her in my life to be my Savior. She had the heart of a six foot tall man made of muscle and would dare someone to try her but in the same token she had a heart made of gold. I may not be making a lot of sense to some, you just had to know her to understand my plea. She would cuss you out like no other and turn around and ask you if you wanted something to eat lol. One of a kind True Story. Well the season of "When I shut these eyes" came one winter. My grandmother was dying of Lupas. I don't know if it took her fast or if I was just in denial. I moved in to help take care of her. I saw her in whole new light. She was bedridden and so very help-less. My love for her wouldn't let me believe she dying though. I slept in a twin bed aside from her hospital bed. Death was still not in my mind, I knew that this strong, powerful individual who never let me down, she  would get up again. If for nobody else, for me because she knew she was the only person I had left that truly loved me. I was so selfish, she was in so much pain day after day and I wanted her to still fight so I could have that real love that only she could provide. Multiplies strokes to the brain sent my grandmother into a deep sleep one afternoon. The hospital sent her home a few days later with hospice. The concept of when I shut these eyes had finally become real. I still shook it off and believe that she would wake up. The hospice nurse called  a family meeting letting us know that the hearing was the last to go but I still layed beside her hoping and praying that those eyes would stare at me again assuring me that everything would be okay. That never happend, I watched my grandmother take her last breath realizing she had shut those eyes and she was right, missing her is an understatement.