Looking Back but moving Forward

Time after time I am being told forget about the past move forward. I agree with the statement but to a certain extent. Exactly how do you forget the past; that time whether good or bad matters, it too once exist. My past made me a better person today. I can look back at my past and now say, "Wow I was wild!" but GOD! My Pastor  once preached a sermon about the "But" in between. Everyone has a past. Life for me has been no crystal stair due to my own mistakes. See I was raised in church, from singing in the choir to church services from sun up to sun down But in the midst of growing up, I got lost. I was so consumed with getting rich that I lost myself somewhere in between. I wanted the fame, I wanted my Barbie dolls life, you know the dreamhouse, the corvette, clothes etc. I lived it up and it felt good but it was only instant gratification. There was always something missing. There was always a void.

I was Crazy but I'm alright Now by Realigion

My grandmother use to always say "I was crazy but I'm I'm alright now" I didn't quite understand it as a child but this year 2013 put it into perspective. In the beginning of the year things were going smoothly but by mid point change was inevitable. Sadly I attended four funerals within two months of each other. Two of which broke me down to the lowest term. The lost of my neighbor and friend Mr. Richard Williams hurt my heart to the very core. He was more than a friend, he and his family treated me and my children like we were apart of theirs. Have you ever met people who were just genuine with no motive or ill intention. People who encouraged you despite what they were going though. God's people is what I called them. Mr. Richard was here one day telling me everything was going to be alright and the next day he was gone, I couldn't believe it. I felt like God had given me more than a friend but more so a father figure and without warning he was gone. When I thought back from day one of meeting him and remembering his good deeds I realized I had entertained  "An Angel". Within two days of burying him I was called with the news that my sixteen year old cousin Benjamin had died of cancer. He was a very unique child, gifted and talented. He had already suffered so much in his young life therefore it was hard to fathom his life would end the way it did. I was bitter and anger. My thoughts were why do the good die young, amongst many other thoughts that I'll keep to myself.  My mind begin to take its own journey. Darkness is all I could see. I sank deep into a depression. No eating and very little sleep.  I couldn't get pass death. I would lay in my bed for hours at a time with the covers over my head. I felt abandoned and lost. The familiar spirit of losing loved ones had returned. Then one day God showed up. He reminded me that he will never leave me nor forsake me. Things started to look brighter. I picked myself back up and looked to the Hills from which cometh my help. Everything my grandmother use to talk about in reference to trusting God made me stronger and stronger. Something about those verses from the bible lifted me. Those personal moments with God grew me. As a matter of fact I'm still growing but I'm better today than I was yesterday. I was crazy but I'm alright now. Today my faith in God is at an all time high, I trust him whole heartedly because I know where my help and strength come from. Some days I fall short of the glory but like I said I'm still growing. The enemy thought he had my mind but to God be the Glory. I thank him for his grace and mercy. 

Thoughts of a Deep Thinker by Realigion

Lately I've been asking myself if I'm truly capable of allowing myself to open up,  love and to be loved. I've unknowingly built a wall that block's out any and everyone from getting too close to me. Parts of me have grown cold in a sense.The thought of trusting outside my circle have become obsolete.  I hold on stronger to the loved ones whom have already prove to be loyal, genuine and thorough. In this life, you will meet  tons of people who want to be apart of your world but everyone isn't built to handle someone of your caliber. Over the past few months, I decided to pay full attention to myself and what type of person I am. We go years, months and sundays  trying to understand others when we don't even truly know ourselves. What I've discovered about me is: I am very loving and caring. I am loner. I am forgiving and loyal yet if I sense characteristics of dishoner, evilness, jealously and fraudulence; I will cut a person off without  warning without ever having intentions off looking back. I don't think that's good but I'm a work in progress. I have become very disciplined and reserved. My faith in God is at all an time high, he is the one person I can trust to keep my head above water, to keep me grounded and make me feel whole.  I have trained my mind to think at a higher level, to see the good in every situation yet my heart has a mind of its own "Handle with Care" is what is speaks because once abused, stepped on or broken; trying to fix won't be an option. ~Realigion~

If Only for One Night by Realigion

I can still hear my grandmother's voice saying "Fix me a cup of coffee sista, I still have a long way to go" she would explain referring to cooking our Christmas dinner. She would cook enough turkey and dressing for an entire army on Christmas Eve. I'd stand watching as she used her bare hands to break down the cornbread. My Aunt Keisha would be mixing up the cream cheese for what taste like the best cheesecake ever made. The house would be filled with all six of us grand kids who lived there since the death or incarceration of our parents., most of her sons and two daughters, her favorite sister, my Aunt Katherine and some of her grandchildren. Katherine's oldest grandchild Nicole was my age therefore we were inseparable. We were favorite cousins and soon called each other sisters.  We shared everything: secrets, dreams, stories etc. We even pretended to cut our fingers yet used ketchup as blood, rubbed our fingers together, taste it and became blood sisters.  All we did was talk while the other kids played. Nicole was such a good listener, she even believed everything I told her. Once I told  her a cat talked to me and she believed it lol.
None of us kids could sleep, afraid we'd miss Christmas if we so much as dosed off, unaware that all we had to do was go to bed and wake up to Christmas Day lol.
Silent Night by the Temptation's would be flowing thru the speakers setting the tone. I was a very observant child. I would observe how special my grandmother and Aunt Katherine would try to make Christmas Day for us. The tree would be loaded with gifts. Cakes and Pies of all kinds covered the dining room table. Everyone was  happy. No fussing, No fighting; my grandmother wouldn't allow any one to disrespect her house with all the drama. She was the only one allowed to raise hell :). I miss those days. My family is so distant since my grandmother passed. Some of her son's are now in prison with long sentence's, hell I even did time.My grandmother  was our rock, she held us together. She reminded us constantly that we were all we had. I miss her. There is a void in a my life. A part of me has grown cold without that real solid love. She loved us unconditionally, even though we were orphans, (myself and the other grand kids) she never made us feel as though we were a burden. We were hers and she was ours. I wish she could hold me one more time.

Breathe Again

There comes a time in every girls life when change is inevitable and since I've been fuckin up since the age of seventeen I figure the game just aint the same. They say a diamond is a girls best friend but let me ask you something, who the fuck are they? We live our lives based on what they say about this, what they say about that; today I say fuck they, their opinions , antidotes and whatever else THEY have to say.
Let me introduce myself, I'm Radona one of Houston elite bad bitches, yeah I'm sure you've guessed it I'm  a certified rude girl with the heart and ambition of Texans player.
I'm tired of Hustlin on the streets of H-town and lookin for love in every d-boy's wallet. So if you're one of those Chanta's got a man ass bitches delete me  cause I'm A Bitter Bitch About to breathe again. 

My First Poem Radona’s Regret written 2008

                      

                               

From the moment Radona gave birth she was mesmerized by Madison’s eyes

When the Correctional Officer told her she’d only be with her baby two hours, her smiles turned into cries

The first of three children that wouldn’t be raised by her, their mother

She prayed they’d always remember how much she love’em

Addicted to the fast life and it cost her her freedom

Three beautiful girls without their mother to lead them

One in particular had her worried of rejection

Two years into Maddy’s life and still no Radona Affection

What kind of mother chooses a life of crime over their kids?

Wait a minute Radona thought “Oh yeah, I did”

As the days go by and the years continue to grow,

She can’t help but wonder if they won’t love her anymore

An epitome of a broken home is what they’ve became

Thanks to stupidity, a hard head, and addiction to the game

But after this bid, it’s a wrap, time to make things right

You can do it Radona, with God’s help and motivational insight

When it all boils down, it’s not about me
it’s about Jada, Mariah and Fatty girl Maddy. 

Deception Served Sweet

                                              "Deception Served Sweet" 

                                                              Prologue 

                                                      December 18, 1993

   "Aye man what's taking so long" Tedrick mouthed from the front seat. D Nice sat in the back seat slowly puffing on a blunt as his mind thought back to three day's earlier when he'd visited his momma's house. She was so happy to see her baby boy helping with the Christmas lights. D Nice had hung Christmas lights all around the window seal. Faye just stared at her boy smiling. She didn't quit understand how he'd made such a tragic turn in life. Within months he'd gone from star football player at his high school to a teenager she hardly even knew, yet and still she considered him her baby. "Damarcus", Faye called out getting her son's attention. "Ma'am" he replied stepping away from the window admiring his work. That boy still got skills he laughed to himself 

 "You doing ok, you aint getting in no trouble huh?"

"Naw mama, I ain't doin nothin", he assurred her with a grin exposing his famous dimples. He threw his arm's around her shoulders "Stop worrying old lady, I'm good".....

  "D Nice" Tedrick called out again interrupting D's thoughts

"What nigga!" D Nice yelled back passing the blunt back to Tedrick

"Rashard just paged me 007,  we should go inside in bout two minutes"

D Nice looked around the small parking lot. No other cars other than the employee's were there. He then slide the ski mask on over his head. 

"Lets go" D said to Tedrick .

 Tedrick replied back with a nod of the head both the boys quickly jumped from the car gun in hand, dressed in black dickie suits and gangsta Nikes. Ski mask covered there faces as they ran into the Pawn Shop with pistols drawn. D Nice went to the left while Tedrick went to the right. The first person they noticed was the nigga who set the lick up "Rashard" who also worked for the Pawn Shop. D Nice placed the gun to Rashard's temple. "Open these cases and load up all this mutherfucken jewelry nicca" D Nice quickly pulled a bag from his back pocket, throwing it at Rashard.  Tedrick to his right snatched the owner up, an old white man by the collar of his shirt throwing him against the wall. "Face the wall and keep ya hands up"

"Please don't hurt me, why are you doing this, I have a family" the man cried

"I feel that but I gotta family too and we tryna eat now shut up bitch nigga and keep ya nose on that wall"

Tedrick then glanced over at D Nice and Rashard who was slowly placing the jewelry in the bag and instantly got mad. 

"Fuck you doing man, Hurry Up and put that shit in the bag for I pop ya ass" Tedrick yelled before turning back around to watch the owner. D Nice heart was thumping heavily as he starred at Rashard. Feeling his pager vibrate, he instinctively looked down; before he could look back up he heard a loud pop before feeling a burning sensation in the side of his neck. Gasping for breath he looked over at Rashard who was now blasting at Tedrick and landed two shots to the chest. Tedrick fell to the floor. D Nice held his neck while falling down on his knees. He heard his mama's voice "Damarcus come here boy, Damarcus mama love you, please stay out of trouble". D Nice's eyes rolled slowly to the back of his head before shutting his eyes for good.